Q: I have a basic word question for you. Can you offer conclusive proof that USC lacks basic understanding of the words cost, postage and tact?

A: Yes.

Take, for example, the case of one USC student who recently appeared on my doorstep bearing the following documents:

1) A "bill" from USC HOUSING TELEPHONE SERVICES (they must have been trying to save money by buying computers without lowercase). It was addressed to "DGN OR THE PARENTS OF 1234 MAIN STREET."

First step: Learn how to address an envelope ... but I digress.

It seems that, sometime before February 8, 1994, DGN charged a whopping 25 cents to the housing phone service. Quite the feat, considering she has never lived in university housing while under the new housing phone service.

The letter continues. On fabulously colored stationery, it informs her that the charges in this letter will appear on her fee bill. This, to me, is blindingly obvious.

I mean, when was the last time you were charged by USC and it -didn't- appear on your fee bill? That's like a professor mailing you a letter to tell you your grade will appear on the cover of your blue book.

2) This letter, dated Feb. 18, 1994: "This is our forth and final deadline notice to students who are applying for financial aid for the 1994-1995 school year."

Come on, people. It's not brain surgery to determine which students who are seniors will be returning next year: check with the degree progress gnomes.

But what about my two friends who -graduated- at Christmas and got this letter? It's an embarrassment that the university doesn't even acknowledge that they're out of school.

3) Examine, if you will, the letter stating: "This is the seventh time we have requested" a Financial Aid Transcript Form, even though DGN has explained several times to the Financial Aid office that she doesn't need that form filled out -- and they agree with her!

4) Then there's the winner of the Sensitive-'90s-University Award: The letter sent to DGN's Northridge home, wherein President Steven B. Sample wrote: "I am pleased to report to you that the University of Southern California has come through this moment essentially unscathed."

Let me tell you, it set her parents' minds to rest, knowing that USC was doing OK as they went without water for a week and repaired the damage to every breakable object in their house.

Journalism majors, stand back. We're going to do some heavy duty math here.

Most letters cost 29 cents to mail, bulk mail costs about 24.8 cents. Let's not quibble and call it a quarter per mailing.

So that's:

ITEM	NUMBER	COST
Inane requests	7	$1.75
Useless reminders	4	$1.00
Boneheaded bill	1	$0.50
Tactless PR release	1	$0.25
TOTAL:		$3.50

seven inane requests ($1.75), four useless reminders ($1), a boneheaded bill ($0.50) and a tactless PR release ($0.25). Perhaps someone needs to introduce a GE math requirement for heads of major USC departments.

Rewind to earlier this year. USC announced, with a tear in its eye, that it can no longer send out grades to students because of the extreme cost involved. Sniff.

Look at the sheer volume of mail USC puts out. How can it be too expensive to send to students a concrete record of their grades -- the very thing that they have paid for?

Stick my grades in with my fee bill -- I wouldn't mind.

It might even be a fitting reminder of the true worth of our education.