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My Dad came to town last week for about 5 days.  It was quite the big deal for me.  He hasn’t come to visit me for about 12 years.  I’ve visited him—gone to Montana in the summers to his home to spend days by the lake and such.  But he hasn’t been to visit me, and certainly not since I moved to Vancouver.

So showing him around the city was awesome. We did some tourist things, Granville Island and, yes, The Old Spaghetti Factory.  And he marvelled at real estate prices and the beauty and the weather, and he smoked on my front porch and read the newspaper front to back.

I look forward to having him back soon.

=-=-=

One year ago today, I first met the man Susie is currently with.  I’m thinking back on that day right now, and I simply can’t believe my life and how it’s changed in a year.

One year ago, I lived in a different house, in a different area of the city.

I was in a different set of relationships.  I hadn’t told you kind blog readers that I was polyamourous. I had a wife and a girlfriend, and now no longer have either. I hadn’t met Sarah yet.

Hop Studios had fewer employees. I was still recovering from my knee injury and surgery.  I weighed 30 pounds more than I do now, and I was less healthy in some ways and yet more healthy in others. I was 39, not 40. I’d never taken a dance lesson.

I contemplate these things because this was a tough weekend for me.  It was the first time since Susie left that I was at an event that Susie was also attending.  She and I have only seen each other a few times since she left, and those times were purposeful, and by mutual decision, and without other people present.  They were also, speaking just about my perspective, really healthy and went well.

This was different: my interactions with her were casual, chaotic, unplanned, in a crowd, and not easy for me to handle. I hope I did okay.

But one thing is clear to me from introspection and inspection.  I’ve changed a lot. A Hell of a lot.  I’m not who I was just three months ago, and certainly not who I was a year ago.

I think that scares some of my friends, makes them nervous, puts them off balance. When we talk, I think I surprise them. I think they think they don’t know me, know who Travis sans Susie is.  If parts of me can change so dramatically, then what of me is me? Who am I? How do you interact with me?

Well.. that’s a good question. I think of my changes like Michaelangelo almost said .. he took a block of marble, and chiselled away all the bits that weren’t the thing he wanted it to be.  I’m changing, yes, but it’s not my core that’s changing.  I’m simply seeing that bits I thought were core .. maybe are not, and they’re falling away. A new shape is emerging from stone.

I’m opening myself to possibilities. I’m actually trying to do a better job of being me, these days.  It takes work, relationships do, always, and I’m working on my relationship with my own feelings, needs, goals.  Understanding what I want and need.  Understanding who in my world is helping me expand, grow, heal, learn—and listening to those people.

It’s an interesting time. With tough days, good experiences, and quiet nights.

=-=-=

In other news, the winter season of ultimate has started up again, and I’m playing again.  My team is the Flying Elbows—they’re a good group of people, and if last week is any guide, we can only improve from here.

I’m running hard, playing good defence, and wonder of wonders, I seem to have developed the ability to JUMP.  I don’t know how or why, and it’s not coupled with the ability to catch or not feel stiff the day after, but I’ll take it. It’s an improvement, and I’m all about improvements these days. I guess it’s time to jump.

Overheard

“The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil.”

...who said it?

“Almost every American I know does trade large portions of his life for entertainment, hour by weeknight hour, binge by Saturday binge, Facebook check by Facebook check. I’m one of them. In the course of writing this I’ve watched all 13 episodes of House of Cards and who knows how many more West Wing episodes, and I’ve spent any number of blurred hours falling down internet rabbit holes. All instead of reading, or writing, or working, or spending real time with people I love.”

...who said it?

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

...who said it?

“I play with variables constantly.”

...who said it?

“Only the person who has learned Continual Love coming from a heart of Gratitude/Worship can effectively deal with the problem of loneliness.”

...who said it?

Comments

 

 

 

 

 

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.

Enjoy the inevitable adventure and pain and joy of change.

 

Posted by Jen
  at 9:59 am on Feb. 5, 2013

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