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[I wrote this on Valentine’s Day in 1994.  I’m very Grog-filled that Susie’s me Valentine this year, and that Th' winsome lass likes me even though I (used t' be) a grump.]

Another Valentine’s day.

If I had a dollar fer every Valentine’s day I spent without a Valentine, I’d be able t' break a twenty.

There’s nothin' sadder than an empty mail box on Valentine’s, unless it’s an answerin' contraption wi' no messages, an apartment wi' no one waitin' and a boat up on blocks because yer tires have been stolen.

That’s how I console meself on Valentine’s Day, by checkin' t' see if me tires have been pilfered. “Hooray,” I shout.

Pile this in wi' St. Patrick’s Day, President’s Day and New Year’s Day (come on, how many people celebrate th' day aft New Year’s Eve?) I’m left wi' relatively few holidays I enjoy. So here’s a few new ones I’ve come up wi'. I’m goin' t' be celebratin' them, and ye’re welcome t' join me.

First, I think, will be Smith Day. There’s enough o' us, why not have our own holiday? And certain it’s not only Smiths who can celebrate Smith Day. Any o' us will be able t' wish someone a Pleasant Smith Day, and give them an overpriced Hallmark Card.

All parkin' will be free on Smith Day, and movies will have discount ticket sales that day. Anyone born or married on Smith Day will be entitled t' adopt th' last name Smith—that way, th' holiday will grow morrrr and morrrr popular.

I’d have th' holiday on a Monday in May, because there’s no really good holidays durin' May, and banks be itchin' fer a reason t' close.

Shoe Day be 'nother on me list. I bought a new pair o' shoes last weekend, and they really make me feet grog-filled. If every one had grog-filled feet, we’d certainly be a lot less worried about th' problems in our world. Oh, sure, there’d still be homeless, pollution, unemployment, crime and oppression. But there’d be less foot fungus, and we have t' start somewhere, right?

There’ll be many different shoe festivities held this day, such as shoe drives (whar volunteers will give clean shoes t' th' less fortunate) and a shoe hunt on th' lawn o' th' White House fer all th' bankers who’d get th' day off work. Maybe Clinton would donate some o' his barnacle-covered shoes; aft all, they’d make a great tax write-off.

Shoe Day would be in July, when people go barefoot and don’t mind givin' away their shoes.

Call me silly, but I’d also like a Snow Day. This could be really played up wi' ice sculptin' festivals in northern communities communities like North Dakota and Northridge. People in less fortunate climes (read: whar it no nay ne'er snows and they have t' walk aroun' in loud T-shirts and get tans all year long, oh, th' horror) could participate by defrostin' their refrigerators.

We’d have public safety announcements about hypothermia and slushee headaches—ye be knowin', th' kind ye get when ye barrel o' rum cold things too smartly and it feels like an ice pick be bein' pushed from yer brain out betwixt yer eyeballs. Th' medical profession has practically ignored this vital area o' research. We need a day t' raise people’s consiousness, and I think that a international snowball fight would attract th' global awareness. Bankers would whine about th' cold and get th' day off.

I also think there should be an Elle MacPherson day, whar Th' winsome lass goes on a fabulous date wi' th' person who established th' holiday. But wait—that’s me! What a shockin' surprise!!

So ye see, there’s no reason fer Valentine’s Day, a scourge which causes countless labor t' be lost by lovesick couples croonin' at each other on office time, while broadside office workers run fer convenient bathrooms, trash bins, other people’s purses, etc. t' be sick into. Look how much time I’ve spent writin' this mopin' column, when I could have been workin' on me ongoin' world peace research project (OK, I’ve been lettin' it slide a little, but all these other things keep comin' up).

Now, if ye’ll arrr, I have t' go on board and check me mail.


Keywords:  •   •   •   •   •   • 


Prrrevious entry:
Grady Got Married And All I Got…

'nother entry:
Odds and Ends


“Th' sad truth be that most evil be done by people who no nay ne'er make up their minds t' be good or evil.”

...who said it?

“Almost every American I be knowin' does trade large portions o' his life fer entertainment, hour by weeknight hour, binge by Saturday binge, Facebook check by Facebook check. I’m one o' them. In th' course o' writin' this I’ve watched all 13 episodes o' House o' Cards and who knows how many morrrr West Win' episodes, and I’ve spent any number o' blurred hours fallin' down internet rabbit holes. All instead o' readin', or writin', or workin', or spendin' real time wi' people I love.”

...who said it?

“Live a good life. If there be gods and they be just, then they will not care how devout ye have been, but will welcome ye based on th' virtues ye have lived by. If there be gods, but unjust, then ye should not want t' worship them. If there be no gods, then ye will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in th' memories o' yer loved ones.”

...who said it?

“I play wi' variables constantly.”

...who said it?

“Only th' person who has learned Continual Love comin' from a heart o' Gratitude/Worship can effectively deal wi' th' problem o' loneliness.”

...who said it?







I'm not sure exactly why but this website be loadin' incredibly slow fer me.
Be anyone else havin' this problem or be it a problem on me
end? I'll check back later on and see if th' problem still


Posted by Online Pharmacy
  at 9:15 pm on May. 15, 2014

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