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This is the hardest thing I’ve ever written, about the hardest thing I’ve ever faced.

I’m completely shocked. It came out of a clear blue sky. I think she explained why, but I didn’t understand, not then. She told me that she just couldn’t be in this marriage any more. This was at 4:45 p.m. on Friday, by the way. We talked for half an hour. Then she left. We haven’t spoken since.

I wrote a blog post about it almost immediately, because that’s what I do. And then, for once, I didn’t post it. And now I’m writing this new one. Still not very long to wait. But this post is different. I already I feel like i’m thinking thoughts I haven’t ever thought. I can see my relationship, my relationshipS, (my?) Susie, myself, in ways that were simply opaque to me two days ago.

I’ve told a few people already and they have tried to help. They have helped. They talk about Susie in ways I haven’t seen. They sometimes say things that make sense.  Sometimes they say things that are opposites, and in that contradiction, I see what I also don’t understand.  Sometimes they just listen to me. Sometimes I sit there in silence.

I hate telling anyone. Each person I tell makes it a little more real. But telling friends, my mom, my sister, doesn’t make it real. What makes it real is telling that one person. It was real the moment she said it. It’s real. It’s happening. This is my life, now.

I do know that for a long time, I haven’t heard her. If I had been, wouldn’t I have heard this coming? I would have.

I do know that she wouldn’t do this prematurely, that she wouldn’t do this if she didn’t believe in herself. I’m worried about her (and about me). I know she’s not cruel, I know she’s just and kind and smart. She is a good person. But I don’t actually know her now. I don’t know when I stopped knowing her. Maybe on Friday.

I considered this marriage to be rock solid, more solid than titanium, more durable than the sun. I feel like others thought that, too—that it wasn’t just my delusion. I feel like we fooled ourselves into thinking we were safe. I feel like nothing is safe any more.

It’s not over. We’re not divorced. And I don’t know what happens next—not in the big picture, and not even in terms of what’s going to happen to me, to us, tomorrow. I’m not closing any door. I want to welcome her back. I can feel myself shifting, getting ready to do whatever needs to be done, however difficult that is.

Because I’m not giving up, and actually, I don’t think I’ll ever give up, I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with this, I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling this love I have for her. It’s forever.

But it’s possible this is the beginning of the end. Frankly, honestly and unvarnishedly, it’s probable. The married part of my life is going to be over, and the next part of my life is going to start. And what more poignant day to start than the day I turn 40?

Overheard

“The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil.”

...who said it?

“Almost every American I know does trade large portions of his life for entertainment, hour by weeknight hour, binge by Saturday binge, Facebook check by Facebook check. I’m one of them. In the course of writing this I’ve watched all 13 episodes of House of Cards and who knows how many more West Wing episodes, and I’ve spent any number of blurred hours falling down internet rabbit holes. All instead of reading, or writing, or working, or spending real time with people I love.”

...who said it?

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

...who said it?

“I play with variables constantly.”

...who said it?

“Only the person who has learned Continual Love coming from a heart of Gratitude/Worship can effectively deal with the problem of loneliness.”

...who said it?

Comments

 

 

 

 

 

Hey in there. Unfortunately, I know all too well what you're going through. Time heals. Friends and family will be there for you. Make sure you allow them in.

Best wishes - and happy birthday.

 

Posted by Mark Briggs
  at 7:04 am on Oct. 15, 2012

 

 

 

Wow, I haven't been around long enough to know much, but can only imagine how rough that would be. Almost a year after being dumped I'm still holding out scarce hope for a reconcile, or even friendship, and that was only a 4 year relationship. I don't imagine I would ever fully recover if I lost my wife of decades. Wish I could offer more hope, but happy to listen. Glad you have friends to help.

 

Posted by Fred B
  at 8:17 am on Oct. 15, 2012

 

 

 

I truly hope this isn't where the story ends... namely for you, but also for the rest of us. It would be such a huge loss of such a lovely person to have her disappear.

I also hope she's okay, or that she'll be okay...

I hope you get some more answers too, despite the amazing level of acceptance and maturity you're handling this all with.

And most of all, I hope that this is the lowest point of 40 for you and that the universe has much better things in store for this year of Travisdom.

 

Posted by Ariane
  at 11:47 am on Oct. 15, 2012

 

 

 

I too am stunned.

You are both writers —
communication is
what you do.

Perhaps you could
write to her.

 

Posted by Richard van Bolen
  at 11:54 am on Oct. 17, 2012

 

 

 

Amazing! This blog lookss just liie my old one!
It's on a totally different subject but it has pretty much the same page layout and design.
Super choice of colors!

 

Posted by how-to-be-a-good-teacher
  at 9:19 am on Feb. 15, 2014

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