This year, I resolved to write my resolutions in time for New Year’s so I won’t have to fill space with things like this…
In order to help you through the coming year with a minimum of social and familial discomfort, I’ve written this short guide to appropriate and inappropriate feelings for each of the holidays. I have determined these proper emotions through careful observation and scientific experimentation over the past 30 years. In short, my pain is your gain.
What can you add to this list?
Holiday
Appropriate Feelings
Inappropriate Feelings
New Years
Resolute, Wistful, Celebratory
Bored, Relieved
Valentine’s Day
Romantic, Adventurous
Jealous, Lonely, Fat
Earth Day
Harmonious, Empowered
Greedy, Unperturbed
April Fool’s Day
Baffled
Predatory
Passover
Guilty, Redeemed
Exhausted, Visibly drunk
Easter
Sinful, Saved
Unimpressed, Sticky fingered
Mother’s Day
Infinitely unworthy, Loved
Burdened
(Insert Country Here) Day
Proud, Patriotic
Jingoistic, Chosen (Granted, it’s a hard line to draw)
Memorial Day
Contrite, Sorrowful, Liberated, Humble
Lazy, Blessed
Ramadan
Cleansed, Pious
Full
Halloween
Liberated (not like Memorial Day, be careful!), Disguised, Amused
“Almost every American I know does trade large portions of his life for entertainment, hour by weeknight hour, binge by Saturday binge, Facebook check by Facebook check. I’m one of them. In the course of writing this I’ve watched all 13 episodes of House of Cards and who knows how many more West Wing episodes, and I’ve spent any number of blurred hours falling down internet rabbit holes. All instead of reading, or writing, or working, or spending real time with people I love.”
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”
You can scroll right easily by holding down the SHIFT key and using your scroll wheel. (Firefox users trying this will end up jumping to old Web pages until a) Firefox releases a fix, b) they change their settings like so.)