They Didn’t Touch My Junk
posted at 11:01 pm
on Jan. 10, 2011
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Stop Six: Los Angeles
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So I got a security pat down today.
At the Los Angeles Airport, I was told not to go through the metal detector line. The other path was through a narrow mini-gully—two large looking blocks without a roof on it, like two entertainment cabinets back to back.
I asked if it was the X-ray scanner thing, and the lady said, the backscatter scanner, and I said yeah that, and she said yes, and I said I opt out. And she looked non-plussed. Non-minused, too. Non-anything, except a little surprised.
She told me to walk right through it, which I did VERY QUICKLY in case they wanted to sneak a shot of my johnson anyway, and stood near my bag and shoes.
I got called over to another guy, who was very polite and clearly had memorized a script, and he explained that he was going to use the front of his hands to become close acquaintances all over me, but for sensitive areas he was going to use the back of his hands, so we wouldn’t have to “go steady.”
The pat down is really more like squeegeeing a window dry with your hands—he basically ran his hands down every vertical portion of my body, and down my arms, and up into “the cleft”. He didn’t search my bummish region, and he didn’t do anything I’d have to pay for in other circumstances, but it was the most thorough body search I can ever remember having in my life.
Was it invasive? It was very uncomfortable and close up; if I had issues with being touched, it would have left me freaked out. As it was, the only reason I was nervous was that I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, or if my opting-out was going to cause a kerfuffle. Next time, it wouldn’t really phase me.
On the other hand, if I’d had an eight-inch knife blade taped to the bottom of each foot, they never would have found them; I didn’t go through the metal detector and I didn’t get asked to lift my feet.
So, is it better security? Probably. Is it fool proof? Nope. Is it worth it? I don’t think that’s knowable.
The TSA is like a really rich guy who owns a lottery company, who is buying up scratch lottery tickets as quickly as he can, trying to keep everyone else from winning. When someone else does “win”—any prize, not just a grand prize—he gets criticized, and when no one wins, he gets told he’s stupid for wasting money.
So, I think the new scanner machines are dumb and potentially hazardous, and I will continue to opt out; but as long as I’m treated with the respect and boredom I got today, I’m not going to be too put out by the whole thing. I’ll save that for the truly offensive and abusive things the TSA seems to do.
