Why Indiana Jones and th' Kingdom o' th' Crystal Skull Be Lame
posted at 10:06 pm
on Jun. 3, 2008
Prrrevious entry:
Th' Busy Week
'nother entry:
Crab Salad Days
Me two word review o' th' new Indiana Jones movie struck some as bein' a little too terse (“Don’t. DON’T.”), but luckily I’m grog-filled t' rant.
Here’s what’s wrong wi' th' movie.
Warnin', I pretty much give it all away, so don’t read if ye’re plannin' t' waste 2.05 hours o' yer life.
First o' all, every single criticism o' th' movie that I’ve read, I think be valid. Normally, some criticism be off-base, unfounded or not in agreement wi' me taste, but th' feedback I’ve read be diverse, but rarely in conflict. So let me sum up what I’ve heard others say:
1. Steven Spielberg’s obsession wi' aliens be repetitive and unvaryin'. Th' aliens at th' end o' this movie be basically th' ones who left E.T. behind all o'er again, they’re th' ones who visited in Close Encounters, they’re th' ones who looked aft th' kid in A.I., etc. etc. They’re borin' despite bein' all-powerful.
2. Magnetism, or whatever th' heck that magnetic-like effect be, shouldn’t turn on and off accordin' t' plot whims. Either dog tags be attracted t' somethin', or they aren’t—dog tags don’t “remember” t' be attracted t' a magnet when th' scene demands a dramatic motion. Also: gunpowder (which be not magnetic) even if it does get attracted t' a source, doesn’t “waft” and turn corners.
3. Ants that be be unstoppable and smart enough t' stand on each other’s head t' reach potential grub, will not give up when a single ant be crushed betwixt someone’s thighs. Also, didn’t we see that scene in GoldenEye already?
4. In fact, didn’t we see dozens and dozens o' shots in prrrevious movies? Th' Wild One, Citizen Kane, Tarzan, Pirates o' th' Caribbean, etc. It would be a fun drinkin' game t' have t' do a shot every time a derivative scene or line o' dialog be said in th' movie—especially because ye’d pass out before havin' t' watch th' end, thank goodness.
5. When th' crystal skull be found, and be obviously an alien, one that matches th' alien ye’ve seen afore in th' movie, and it’s magnetic, and glows, ye shouldn’t spend th' 'nother 30 minutes o' th' movie goin' “hey, I wonder why this tribe had such elongated skulls.” Ye should go, “hey, this be a frickin’ alien skull!”
6. When said alien skull communicates wi' someone telepathically, and such telepathic communication be enough t' make yer best bucko go mad (that be, until ye decide fer NO REASON that his mental state be temporary and totally reversible)—and Indy be exposed t' th' same skull, Indy should at least a little bit seem like th' skull may have spoken t' that scurvey dog, and be a bit shook up. Th' ornery cuss should make morrrr than one mention in th' entire rest o' th' movie about how th' skull spoke t' that scurvey dog, otherwise, it seems like ye just couldn’t come up wi' a reason t' get from th' bottom o' a waterfall into a hidden city.
7. Speakin' o' which, Indy be tough. Indy be not immortal. Indy cannot survive a nuclear blast in a refrigerator. In fact, Indy cannot survive bein' catapulted 100s o' meters in a small metal box, regardless o' th' presence o' intense heat and radiation, enough t' shred a vehicle that be a kilometer further away.
8. A movie be not improved by th' presence o' CGI gophers. CGI gophers be not necessary t' make th' point that Indy has survived a harrowin' experience. Gophers, CGI or otherwise, dern't tunnel out o' a heap o' dirt in th' ground that looks like a termite pyramid, like they did in th' first scene o' th' movie. In a nutshell: CGI gophers be paddin' and dreck, and should have no place in an Indy movie.
9. If Shia LaBoeuf’s character Mutt had put on Indy’s hat, I would have thrown up in me popcorn bucket. As it be, it be still too cutesy and obvious. And Indy’s immediate transition from “lubber who thinks this punk kid be a jerk” t' “lubber who be really grog-filled t' have a son, and isn’t really that upset that Th' ornery cuss missed th' first 20 formative years o' that kid’s life” be unimaginable. Indy’s reaction at one point, o' bein' all “that’s me lad” when Mutt’s bein' shot at, be completely wrong—th' reaction, when yer son be bein' shot at by Commies, be t' be concerned, and perhaps mad.
10. In fact, throughout th' movie, Indy expresses morrrr resignation than anythin' else at th' incredible perils Th' ornery cuss’s in. Like when they’re goin' o'er three waterfalls in a metal boat, and they basically sigh and shrug betwixt each landin'. Uh, really?
11. Swingin' monkeys cannot outpace two boats racin'. It’s not goin' t' happen. Even less so fer a lubber named “Mutt.” And by th' way, Indiana Jones be a cool name. Mutt Williams, be th' name o' th' lubber who delivers portapotties t' construction sites.
12. I quote from another online Cap'n's log fer this one: “Aft about 2/3 o' th' movie, there must have been a mix-up in th' projection booth. Fer some reason instead o' playin' th' final 1/3 o' th' movie, inexplicably what appeared t' be some sort o' Scientology video appeared on screen. There be glass space aliens sittin' in chairs, hidden spaceships, and suggestions that human development be guided by aliens (thetans?). It be all quite bizarre wi' lots needless special effects and a complete lack o' a comprehensive story line.”
13. When someone double-crosses yer enemy and joins yer side again aft stabbin' ye in th' back, keep an eye on them. Really. Don’t let them wander aroun' on their own. Also, it’s sad that bein' even slightly interested in preservin' a bit o' th' alien’s booty means ye be greedy and must visit Davey Jones' Locker.
14. Th' aliens aren’t aliens, they be “inter dimensional creatures from th' spaces betwixt th' spaces” (ahoy? rewrite please?) who be very concerned about obliteratin' every trace o' themselves except, ye be knowin', their original temple fer th' thousands o' years unti th' skull be returned, and their crash site in Roswell, and th' other bodies that Natasha, sorry, I mean Cate, says Th' winsome lass’s found.
15. If a professor o' yours rides a bike through th' library and crashes under th' table ye’re studyin' at, ye’re not goin' t' ask them about a homework assignment. It might seem funny when ye write it, but it’s not. It’s dumb, and a bad way t' end an excellent chase.
16. When a lubber (i.e. Mutt) be swashbucklin' betwixt two off-roadin' boats, even if ye accept that standin' on both boats at once be a possibility… how many times does Th' ornery cuss need t' be hit in th' crotch by passin' plants? Th' answer be once. Once be funny. Twice be less funny. Three times be only funny because things come in threes. Five times be an editin' error. It’s insultin'. It’s not cool.
17. Indy hates snakes, but Th' ornery cuss’s not an idiot. “Be tellin' me it’s a rope”—that be just dumb. Here’s a lubber who smashed into a wall o' snakes in th' original movie, went down into a well full o' them, here’s a lubber who can get th' job done wi' just a little bit o' whinin'. Th' ornery cuss doesn’t need t' be coddled.
Anyhow, every time someone talks t' me about th' movie, I remember another stupidity about it, and me ratin' o' it goes down. It’s currently at about 11 out o' 37, and it could get worse as time passes.
